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Multiple times in scripture, Paul speaks of despair. I believe in this section of scripture, Paul is heartbroken because he cares so much about the Jewish people.  He is having success with so many of the Gentiles, bringing them the Gospel, but why aren’t the Israelites responding in the same fashion? Paul goes so far as thinking about giving up his own salvation for his Jewish brethren at the beginning of Chapter 9. I think he is feeling grief. He is working hard to help the Jewish nation understand that the Messiah has come, but they are not listening. He is struggling to understand why they cannot see something so obvious. I believe God gives him the answer. It is God’s plan and He has carefully worked out all the details. God completely knew what He was doing. If all the Jewish people had believed, then the Gentiles still would have been second-class citizens. It really hit home that God had no choice but to blind some in order to fulfill His plan.  

I know it is not exactly the same thing, but when I read about Elijah in the first part of Chapter 11, I started thinking about a sermon I wrote when I first started preaching. In the sermon, I used 1 Kings 18 and 19 to talk about my own life struggles with depression and suicide.  I spent a large part of my life around believers; I couldn’t understand why I didn’t have the same strong belief as others in my family.  They seemed crazy to me. I battled myself over and over again. I wanted to love Jesus, but I wanted the world and all the troubles and heartbreak that come with it. It wasn’t until I trusted in God, when I let Him watch over me and gave my life to Him that I was able to receive His blessing. I was able to see why my family was so head-over-heels in love with God.  

I started thinking maybe God always had a plan to use me, but He had to blind me for a time so that I could experience the world. He had to keep me from seeing His promise so I could help those going through depression, anger, and thoughts of suicide.  I am able to evangelize people that are lost and struggling because I struggled, because I know what they are going through. I believe He blinded me from the truth for the first 30 years of my life so that I could be the most effective in the last 50 years of my life.  I have been able to help those stuck in bad relationships because I have had a few in my life. I have been able to speak to suicide because I know what it is like to want to take my own life. I believe I am where God wants me, learning scripture so that I can use my life experiences along with sound doctrinal beliefs to bring the Gospel to whomever God wants me to. I do not always understand the future, but we do not have to. He knows the future and He is preparing now for what He will have for each one of us in the future.